If you have a flighty brain as I do, thoughts fly back and forth randomly like a pinball machine. They may start out in one guided direction but soon head wherever they wish. My walk today illustrates this.
It's a gray day but I didn't feel gray; I felt happy as I walked. The weather instantly took me back to a similar wintry day when, as a child, we were getting into the car to drive to my father's company childrens' Christmas party.
The anticipation we felt each year for this extravagant party was intense. Held in a large ballroom filled with popcorn making machines; unlimited hot dogs, ice cream and soft drinks; the party was every child's dream. The day included singers and magicians to keep our attention but, as the day wore on, we lined up expectantly and watched beautiful women dressed in velvet elf costumes (it was the 60's) help Santa give each of us our gift and stocking before heading wearily home for another year.
Just like the pinball shoots in other directions, my thoughts soon turned to another wintry walk memory.
A friend and I were walking to a boy's house after dinner one very cold night. The time it took to walk to his house stands out because I was not allowed in boy's homes (I don't trust boys! said my father of daughters only). The evening had required a certain amount of stealth and I felt like the cat who had swallowed the canary for pulling it off. I well remember my excitement in doing what was forbidden. Everything about it was wrong: these boys were seniors (we were in Grade 9); I was desperately in love with one of them (he never noticed); the house was outside my neighbourhood. The irony about this rebellion was how innocent it turned out to be. These two boys, my friend and I watched "White Christmas" together!
From that living room, my thoughts on this gray day moved to the intensity of that first love.
If, like me, your first love was unrequited, you'll understand when I say that didn't diminish the feelings at the time or the memory it has left. His name rolls off my tongue even today while the names of other boyfriends are long forgotten.
But honestly, what has all of this to do with the price of tea in China (did you have an elderly relative who used this phrase, too?)
Nothing except to point out how undisciplined my thoughts have become throughout these past months. If I am ever to get back to writing my book, I will need to practice self discipline and bring some structure back to my days.
While I don't make New Year's resolutions as a rule, this unusual year presents a compelling time to do so. I'd like to soundly kick 2020 in the ass as it heads out the door and make new plans for the coming year.
So my un-resolution for 2021 will include structure and self discipline.
I'll keep you posted on how it goes.
Happy New Year everyone!
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